So. I made a blog.
I will stop drinking alcohol for 100 days soon, not just yet. Next week most likely, it depends on one event only. My parents might invite me over on day 5 or so, and that will turn in a huge failure if I quit before that. By day 5 I can’t start that conversation with them yet. And mum always has a glass of wine ready for me when I arrive. I don’t want to set myself up for failure. Not again. So if they invite me over, I’ll start the 100 days the day after. If not, I start next week. I have the day in mind, I feel somewhat focused.
I can’t say exactly why this time will be different, and I don’t know for sure it will. But something happened in my brain, some kind of shift. I’ve started getting upset with the abuse I put myself through. I used to very strongly dislike myself, and that, despite the drinking, seems no longer the case… I want good things for myself, I want me to take better care of me.
The thing that scares me though, not the actual quitting. Not the possible symptoms related to quitting. Not the problems explaining (though I doubt I’ll have those). But the sobriety itself. My authentic self. And not in the ‘what if I suck without booze?’ way. Quite the opposite. What if I rock? What if I turn out to be this awesome human being? I’ll have wasted years of my life not being awesome. Punishing myself for… not being awesome.
This all sounds very jumbled, confused (fitting). To clarify: I will start with a 100 days and ‘I’ll see after that’. Forever sounds way too long, for now. There’s a good chance I won’t start again.
I didn’t start drinking until in my early 20s, so I know I can have fun without booze. I know I’m a person without booze.
I have a lot of anxiety, due to my own health-issues and my darling pet (cat named Joe), I know alcohol increases it.
I drink too much and can’t seem to moderate.
I feel ashamed in the morning, even if I’ve enjoyed my wine the evening before, went to bed at a decent time, did nothing wrong, ‘only’ had 3 or 4 glasses. I still feel ashamed, and I blame the alcohol for that feeling. (or maybe I feel ashamed for something else and have simply pushed that aside with the alcohol)
I can no longer really enjoy drinking, or feel casual about it. It brings on stress. Do I have enough? (for what?) Will someone else drink from my bottle?
But I can still not think about it, like today, when I got anxious and bought a bottle of wine anyway, and then didn’t think about it for two hours after getting home because I got busy with other stuff.
I overthink everything, overthinking booze doesn’t mean that much in my case, but it means enough, right now.
I started a blog. Anonymously. It’s all the accountability I can handle right now and this is pushing it.
And now I really feel like I’m hiding my drinking(problem)…
Alice Authentic 