Dry run: day 2

Woke up tired, as usual, but it does seem I slept better than usual (after drinking). H. offered me a drink last night and I declined. He took one and said I was the smarter one, hehe. He can easily have just one or two drinks, or decide he doesn’t care. With me, it’s more like, I drink until I stop, and that’s usually not after one or two…

Feeling a bit off the past few days, increased (chronic) pains. Maybe a virus, or I just overdid it.

Early in the evening yesterday I wanted wine (because I usually have wine around that time), but I told myself I didn’t need to and went to do something as a distraction. I went to bed earlier because I got tired earlier. Good thing.

Ok, let’s try this again…

Well, that dry run ended quickly. Turned out we had some (actually a lot) leftover wine from the party and naturally, I drank that. Still not officially quitting but, say, ‘testing the waters’. I told H. I didn’t want to open any more bottles for myself this week. I think I’ll find it easier to stick to that than to ‘not drinking’ while I know we have a bottle open and no-one else will drink it and it’ll go to waste and aaaah.

So, trying it out again tonight. And quitting (for 100 days) on Monday. I can do this.

Anxious (dry run: day 1)

I drank a lot yesterday and (naturally) didn’t sleep well. I woke up around 3 feeling very anxious. Alcohol does that to me, I get anxious the next day / during the night. It took a while before I realised that while it helps a little with anxiety during drinking, it backfires too. I get more anxious afterwards. Or perhaps it just feels worse.

Today marks the first day of my dry run and part of me wants to have started already. I discussed it with a friend and she suggested just to see how it goes. If I want to keep going, even during the family-dinner, I should do that. If not, no hard feelings, I’ll stick to the original plan. I like that idea, I don’t need more reasons to beat myself up for.

While awake and anxious I thought about how I used to drink more for bad reasons. I tried to numb the anxiety a lot more, woke up with headaches and feeling crap, tried to numb the sadness. Lately (the last year or so) I have not done that (yay me!) but I do still think I need to at least take a break. Reinvent myself or something.

I don’t know, I guess it just doesn’t work for me like it used to. Time for a change.

Support

When I told my boyfriend H. that I planned on doing 100 days sober he (sincerely) asked if I thought I’d make it. I said yes, because I will bribe myself with pretty jewelry (somewhat joking there, I don’t really do jewelry)! He also asked if I drank that much on my own. I said I drink enough on my own to make me want to do it. We discussed some upcoming events and he asked if he should still offer me wine. Probably better if he doesn’t.

Parents invited us over for dinner next weekend so The Date has been pushed to May 4th. This works out fine for me. It means the 100 days end just a few days shy from our planned holiday, so should I choose to start drinking again, I can on holiday and it’ll be ‘special’ instead of ‘what I do at home’. This might make a difference for me.

I will do a ‘dry run’ (pun intended) the coming week to see how that goes. Maybe I’ll feel good enough during the dinner to keep it up, maybe not, but I won’t (have to) beat myself up over it. I do plan to discuss it with parents, might inspire them.

Less and more.

I did drink last night, like I do pretty much every night, however, I drank less. Deliberately. I got slightly annoyed at the second to last glass because of not having more, but when I finished, I didn’t really care that much. But it’s exactly for that annoyance that I need to quit (still not saying forever). I shouldn’t feel this way about drinking. I don’t like it.

I struggle a bit with where I fall on ‘the scale’, if such thing even exists (pretty sure it does, and pretty sure it doesn’t matter that much, but as mentioned before, I overthink everything). I think I’m not ‘that bad’ but not in a good place either. Which amuses me a little, mentally I feel in a much better place (general) than a few years or even just a few months ago. For some strange reason I started feeling better about myself, sort of liking myself even (crazy woman!). Despite all the drinking.  And that scares me a little (actually, a lot), imagine how great I could be without…

I do think that if I continue drinking like this it’ll go bad (again). Lately I have not been drinking to drown out my thoughts / myself as much. Mostly just because that is what I do. And I don’t enjoy it as much anymore…

I don’t wake up feeling guilty (much) or even hungover, though I do get sluggish the next day, especially in the morning. Not sure if that counts as ‘hungover’. I don’t get headaches, nausea whatnot. I don’t intent to drink myself to oblivion anymore.

That’s all fun and good and such, but it could be better. And I want better. A better me.

She pretends to be my muse.

I like the idea of the wolf somewhat, but it doesn’t resonate with me as much. I kinda like wolves, in the way that I stay away from them and would never invite one in my life, especially not one that will jump in my neck and bite me if I don’t buy wine.

So I thought, what creature / personification would work for me? What does it bring to table?

I thought of those Sirens from Greek mythology, who lure sailors out to sea with their beautiful looks and singing. And those marsh lights, that float over dangerous grounds, luring people in. Both drowning their victims. Mine is like that, a wicked whispering wine wisp. Always in the background, ready to move in, show herself. She’ll tell me I can look beautiful too, she’ll tell me I can make great things, be creative, be smart! Here, have some wine! Don’t you feel great now?
And she’ll lure me into her home, drowns me. Possibly eats me (I just read that Sirens are cannibals, it fits.). She pretends to be my muse, to inspire me, to make me great.

But she lies, and it has to stop.

Rewards

I woke up thinking about rewards. I need something as a reward, doesn’t have to be big, that will consistently add to me feeling good about myself.

Before I got sick I looked into making glass beads, as a hobby. I never got around to it, but some googling led me to several sites selling them. I think they look pretty.

I ordered the bracelet and the ‘Day One’ bead (will not wear until I have actually quit of course). I plan to buy new ones for 30/60/90 days. Pretty ones, and not crazy expensive. I don’t mind buying myself a $20 reward each month, $80 however… Close to my monthly wine-budget.

I also expect the ‘normal’ rewards, of not having spent so much money, perhaps shed a few pounds, clearer skin maybe? And most importantly, clearer head and more energy. More focus. More me being me.

Not even day 1

So. I made a blog.

I will stop drinking alcohol for 100 days soon, not just yet. Next week most likely, it depends on one event only. My parents might invite me over on day 5 or so, and that will turn in a huge failure if I quit before that. By day 5 I can’t start that conversation with them yet. And mum always has a glass of wine ready for me when I arrive. I don’t want to set myself up for failure. Not again. So if they invite me over, I’ll start the 100 days the day after. If not, I start next week. I have the day in mind, I feel somewhat focused.

I can’t say exactly why this time will be different, and I don’t know for sure it will. But something happened in my brain, some kind of shift. I’ve started getting upset with the abuse I put myself through. I used to very strongly dislike myself, and that, despite the drinking, seems no longer the case… I want good things for myself, I want me to take better care of me.

The thing that scares me though, not the actual quitting. Not the possible symptoms related to quitting. Not the problems explaining (though I doubt I’ll have those). But the sobriety itself. My authentic self. And not in the ‘what if I suck without booze?’ way. Quite the opposite. What if I rock? What if I turn out to be this awesome human being? I’ll have wasted years of my life not being awesome. Punishing myself for… not being awesome.

This all sounds very jumbled, confused (fitting). To clarify: I will start with a 100 days and ‘I’ll see after that’. Forever sounds way too long, for now. There’s a good chance I won’t start again.
I didn’t start drinking until in my early 20s, so I know I can have fun without booze. I know I’m a person without booze.
I have a lot of anxiety, due to my own health-issues and my darling pet (cat named Joe), I know alcohol increases it.
I drink too much and can’t seem to moderate.
I feel ashamed in the morning, even if I’ve enjoyed my wine the evening before, went to bed at a decent time, did nothing wrong, ‘only’ had 3 or 4 glasses. I still feel ashamed, and I blame the alcohol for that feeling. (or maybe I feel ashamed for something else and have simply pushed that aside with the alcohol)
I can no longer really enjoy drinking, or feel casual about it. It brings on stress. Do I have enough? (for what?) Will someone else drink from my bottle?
But I can still not think about it, like today, when I got anxious and bought a bottle of wine anyway, and then didn’t think about it for two hours after getting home because I got busy with other stuff.
I overthink everything, overthinking booze doesn’t mean that much in my case, but it means enough, right now.

I started a blog. Anonymously. It’s all the accountability I can handle right now and this is pushing it.

And now I really feel like I’m hiding my drinking(problem)…