Day 82: double the answers

Day 82: double the answers

Boy, did I fell off the internet there!
But I did not, as they say, fall off the wagon. Not drinking has become a lot easier and I have to look up the number of days a lot lately. I take that as a good sign.
My biggest trap seems to be when I feel good and want to celebrate. Then I really want wine. I don’t give in of course.
I have some anger/annoyance issues lately, which may come from PAWS or just not sleeping well (that damn weather lately…) and general stress about pets and vacations. At times it seems really bad and then I try to take a step back and it doesn’t look that bad anymore. I’ve tried a staying present technique that seems to work well when my anxiety gets bad or my head just won’t shut up. 
Recently I’ve also thought a lot about how Inhave problems simply expressing I don’t like it when someone does something. I mean the small things, like when someone makes a joke that doesn’t really go down well with me.  I shut up and don’t want to talk anymore. I basically learnt early on that if I said I didn’t like it or showed signs of dislike, that they’d do it more, they’d know my weakness and ‘attack’ me there. Now, I think a lot of people do that without having evil intensions, they just get caught up in their joke or something. Some will indeed do it to bully and I have been victim of bullying a bit too much to naturally assume that they did mean no harm. And as an adult I still shut down when things get uncomfortable. So they stay uncomfortable. I try to pay attention to when I shut down and instead say ‘I feel uncomfortable with that (comment/behaviour)’. I feel I don’t have to explain why (that is also a bridge to far at the moment) and that if they care about me they won’t be jerks about it. Also, if someone does act like a jerk when I say that, they’re the jerks, not me. And I certainly don’t have to hang out with jerks.
I wish someone had told me that before 😉
Finding lots of things I don’t have to do that most people never mention as ‘not having to do’. I wonder if they already live by it, or simply don’t see ‘not doing it’ as an option. Sometimes I feel a bit bitchy with my ‘oh yeah? But I don’t have to do that!’ but I know I need this for now to draw clear lines people should not cross (for me and them, I want to stop them before they get close to the line and not waiting until they cross it). This bitchiness won’t last. I know myself. Also, guarding myself, my feelings and such has top priority now. I don’t have to be liked by everyone about how I guard that. See, another thing I don’t have to. 

Day 42: the answer to everything

Day 42: the answer to everything

Yesterday I didn’t feel so happy and bouncy but I didn’t drink. I didn’t have any problem with not drinking, despite the emotional drama.

I think I have figured it out though. Coincidentally, I heard someone say something about the universe throwing the same lesson at you over and over, until you learned. I at least learned one thing. I cannot, and will not, live my life according to other people’s ‘you should’s. I will not try and live up to their expectations because honestly, most of the time they just assume things. They’ll assume I’ll come to a party (nope, to ill / too much pain) and then express their disappointment if I don’t. This annoys me. It’s not one of those ‘I feel so sorry for you that you were too ill!’ but those ‘I’m not angry, I’m just disappointment you didn’t want to come. I just had to say it, I’m not attacking you, I’m just felling very disappointed.’

Somehow they never mean to ‘just say it’, because if I say ‘ok, I heard you.’ that’s not enough and I’m supposed to do something else (but they won’t tell me what, of course).

I don’t want to waste my precious time and energy on these people and situations. Sure, I screw up, I do stupid things too, but usually, I try my best. And if I don’t try my best it’s because that’s pretty tough to keep up when you have low energy all the freaking time. My ‘best’ will then result in days or even weeks of recovery, and let’s face it, most things are just not worth that much. Most things can do fine with my not-so-best.

I don’t want to get burnt-out again and these things sure push me that way. No more. Or at least I’ll try 😉

And oh my gosh! I made it to 7 weeks!

Day 37: feeling like a fraud

Day 37: feeling like a fraud

Still not very energetic, getting my bloodwork done just in case. I might have anaemia (again) and that requires fixing.

I did go out with some friends last Saturday and had some drinks. Just cola for me, it went fine.

Finally spoke to my doctor about switching my meds and we did and that’s where I feel like a fraud. With these pills I should not drink. At all. Ok, I think they say something like ‘two glasses of wine per week is ok, if you must’, and then I think ‘if you must, those two glasses won’t do…’. But anyway, no drinking alcohol while on these meds. And basically, I’m on these meds permanently from now on.

I feel a bit like a fraud for ‘not drinking’ now, even though it doesn’t matter. I did not quit drinking because of this, I quit because I chose to.

And I choose to continue not drinking 🙂

Day 32: short and quick

Day 32: short and quick

I had to look up the day because I forgot. Feeling pretty badly ‘under the weather’ at the moment, and have trouble eating / drinking (good liquids, not booze 😉 ). Biggest benefit: the thought of wine makes me want to throw up. Biggest annoyance: I barely get out of the house.

I’ll live, I’ve had more weeks like this. I do feel a bit down and exhausted and sort of ‘overworked’. Not surprisingly, always happens when I get this sick. It’ll get better, eventually.

Back to bed now.

Day 27: what’s my motivation?

Day 27: what’s my motivation?

Almost 4 complete weeks already, and still zooming.

I’ve done chores around the house. Minor ones. The kind that I usually didn’t have the motivation for. I still don’t really have the energy to do much, but I don’t feel like slouching on the sofa either. So I do it anyway, resulting in pain and exhaustion. Both may trigger drinking (or rather, have done so in the past) but actually, so far, haven’t. And I do like having done the little things. Checking them off from my todo-list feels very satisfying.

Not sure if I ever said ‘I gave up drinking’ but today I realised I don’t feel like I did. Don’t get me wrong, I have quit drinking (for at least 100 days 😉 ) but I didn’t ‘give it up’. To me ‘to give up’ sounds like a sacrifice, or something I actually do want but don’t have the energy for because it comes with a lot of issues. Like how I ‘gave up’ some friendships because they required a lot of maintenance and I couldn’t do that (or didn’t want to…). I don’t feel like I had to ‘give up’ anything. I feel more like I freed myself from something wearing me down. Something that ate up my motivation, my ability to make proper decisions, to do things or to not do things.

When we discuss future events, H. sometimes refers to them as ‘when you can drink again’ and I’ve found myself picturing the events without me drinking by default a few times. Interesting switch. Hope it sticks.

Day 24+25+26: oh, hello

Day 24+25+26: oh, hello

Oopsie, didn’t mean to not post for so long. I did not fall of the wagon, I just have been a little busy. Sleep has improved somewhat and during the day I’ve done cleaning / decluttering etc and felt too tired to post. I don’t necessarily think it’s a bad thing to skip posting on those days, but I do want to try and post daily for another month or so. I think I feel more inclined to post when I do think about drinking and when I don’t, I just kinda forget about it, hehe.

I feel pleased about the progress I made with cleaning. Not a lot, but at least I’ve done something to move forward. I also want to eat a lot, even if I can’t. I want to eat non-stop, mostly steak. Sticking to small meals though 🙂

Almost four weeks in the bag! Time flies!

Day 23: tonight I’ll sleep! (I hope)

Day 23: tonight I’ll sleep! (I hope)

I did some cleaning / decluttering today. Not a lot compared to what I have piled up, but enough to wear me out a little.

Earlier I didn’t feel so great, a bit overwhelmed and too stressed. It helped to do some rigorous cleaning and moving, my head calmed down a bit. I hope the physical exercise helps with sleeping tonight. My sleep could use some improvement still. I don’t sleep horribly, but I don’t feel rested in the morning, and I keep waking up several times per night.

I also watched ‘Horizon: Is Binge Drinking Really That Bad?‘ and found it very interesting. I took from it that while binge drinking causes some extra challenges for your body, drinking in moderation according to the lower guidelines in the UK (similar to the Dutch from what I found) actually causes bad things to happen as well. I did expect some of that but the similarity of the effects to the weekly binge drinking took me by surprise. Not looking at my history (only briefly), this makes me wonder if moderation works for anyone — health-wise. I didn’t expect the blood results to show the problems so fast and so clearly for the non-binge drinker.

Food for thought, I suppose.